I step outside of myself. I see a middle aged woman sitting at her dining room table. It is a lovely antique pine table that she has shared with her family for the past 7 years or so.

She has two photos framed that are carefully placed on her side of the table. One of them is from this past winter or spring – maybe 3 or 4 months ago. It has her two aging cats cuddled up and smiling at the photographer (her husband). The other photo she had pulled out of one of her oldest albums and put into a frame. Her big orange cat is lying in the dirt on a patch of catnip. He was two years old at the time. He was definitely stoned and very happy. She had forgotten that when he was young, his eyes were bright copper in color.

The woman had brought out an old candle holder to this table. It is wrought iron. It is in the shape of a cat sitting on its haunches. The cat has his two front legs lifted and is holding a cup and saucer. The cup can hold a tapered candle. She lit a candle here at this table the day her big old orange cat died.

I see her there now - looking out the window then carefully back at these few remaining things. She lights the candle regularly hoping to see or hear something.  She thinks back over 17 years and feels the loss deeply, burning inside.

Her orange cat kept her from leaping over the edge during her first bad marriage. He saved her life by giving her a reason to live. He suffered the big step with her of leaving the first husband. His was the loss, then. He could no longer spend any time outside and this almost destroyed him.

She helped him as soon as she could by bringing him a friend. The female grey and white kitten took to him instantly. She could not believe her luck. Now she had 2 wonderful cats to accompany her on her journey. And she hoped her big orange cat could forgive her for keeping him inside. She cried many, many times over this and hugged him every night.

The big orange cat helped her pick her second husband. Then they moved into a larger place. They moved again in a couple of years and he helped her make it through graduate school in central California. He was there for her when she had to leave her California home and go to the mid west. This was so very hard for her. She missed her home in California a lot for many years. She still does.

The woman had to leave the mid west after a few years for sunnier weather and a better job. She was very happy to leave the cold grey weather. By now, the big orange cat had suffered from diabetes on and off for two or three years. The woman had worked incessantly to keep him well. His other little orange friend succumbed to heart disease right before this last move. But the big orange cat was strong enough to move one more time.

He did not make the last move very well. The big orange cat had to stay in a smaller apartment for 6 months with his family while the new house was built. He did not feel well any more. His diabetes went in and out of control. The woman worked hard to keep him well. He missed his little orange friend and he quietly got ill. Worst of all, he stopped sleeping with the woman at night and it just about broke her heart.

When he moved into the new house 6 months later, he was very excited. He ran from room to room claiming everything as his own. But within a couple of months the excitement wore off and the big orange cat continued to get quietly ill. The woman was so happy that he was able to make the last journey – so that he could see perhaps her last home. This would be her place back in the sun (even if it could not be in California).  But her heart continued to break since she knew what was coming.

And all this time he never judged her when she was down. She always felt sort of ugly, or clumsy, or even stupid. He never thought so.  The big orange cat thought she was the best person in the whole world. After all, she lived her life for him. Every night for almost 17 years she came home from work and looked for him as soon as she walked in the door. She would pick him up for her hug and kiss.

Now she sits at this table, terribly sad with only her memories of him and a special candle. Oh! But his best friend has stayed with her. The grey and white kitty that he spent 15 years with is still hanging on – even through her own terminal illness. The little grey kitty has fought bravely to stay. The woman is grateful through her tears. She knows the big orange cat wants her to take care of herself and his best friend. Today she will try.

07/13/04